Sunday, December 16, 2007

It's Christmas

It's Christmas I love Christmas, I love shopping for family and friends looking for the one thing I think they would want for Christmas. I love decorating I decorate inside and outside every room has some kind of Christmas decoration in it. I even made a shower curtain for the bathroom. I love baking cookies to give family and friends. I love going Christmas caroling and coming back for cookies and hot chocolate. I love the way the house smells of Christmas. I love watching Christmas movies. My every favorite Christmas thing is on Christmas eve with all the family here before opening gifts or eating of the wonderful snacks, we all sit around and Kandra (my oldest niece who is 28 and we started this when she was around 6) reads the Christmas story from the book of Luke.
But this year I just can not seem to get into the Christmas Spirit. I have done every little shopping, no decorations but a tree, no baking, no Christmas smells, I have watched 1 Christmas movie. We did take the youth kids to one home Saturday night to carol and came back to the church and have donuts (David our youth director is a state trooper, and hot chocolate. And I so loved it the kids just spend time together cutting up and having a good time.
This year I want Christmas to be different I just want to be surrounded by those that I love my family and friends, I just want everyone to be happy just being together. I want us to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. That Jesus was born to die for us. That that little baby boy on the first Christmas held our live in his hands as small as they were. That God is love. I want to just have God moments were we can just feel God's presence all around us. I want to be like Mary in Luke 2:19 "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." I want to have times like those, where we can look back and say did you see how God moved, and wasn't it just wonderful that we got to just be together. I just want to be so focused on GOD these next couple of weeks.
I don't think I have every had such a time as this, that I so need to have GOD the center of my life. That I just want to be what GOD wants me to be. I want to do just what I Thessalonians 2:12 "That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory." That is what I so badly want to just be worthy of GOD. I just want the name of my Lord and Savior to be glorified in me.

Friday, December 14, 2007

How Do I Do It

How do I do it, How do I return to normal, How do I get through the pain, When will the tears stop? These are all questions I have been asking myself and God for the last couple of months. As I look back I the hurts started the first of Oct. I was so excited about my Holy Trip, but I knew there were things I had to take care of before I when, things with my family. Things were said to me from family members that I still to this day can not believe they said. Before I left on my trip there were some very dear and close friends that I had to make sure I prayed with and told them I love them before I left. Someone very dear to me didn't return my call, in fact I send that person something very personal to me and after I got back it was returned to me unopened. Then we have had some issues going on in the youth, things that are causing them to hurt so in turn that makes me hurt. Then last week C. killed in a car accident, that pain to hard to bear. I keep telling myself you have to be strong for the kids, while inside I was totally crushed. Then this week S. goes home to be with GOD after a long illness.
Last night I read the Book Colossians, first time in a week that I have just sit down and really spend good time with GOD. In chapter 1 verses 9-14 is a prayer for strength I have prayed this for others so many times last night I prayed it for myself seeking wisdom from GOD. Chapter 3:13-14 says "Forbearing one another; and forgiving one another, if any man have quarrel against any; even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all of these things put on charity,(love) which is the bond of perfectness." If there is hurt that means forgiveness is a must.
I then read Psalm 33 this, we saw a DVD Wed. in youth and the speaker used this chapter in his text. He talked on the greatness of GOD, how small we are how big GOD is, how much God loves and cares about us and what we go through. How God thinks we are special each and every one of us. I loved verses 20-21 "Our soul waiteth for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name." This is just what I have had to do wait on GOD and trust in his holy name alone.
I then picked up my book which I have not touched in a week "Next Door Savior"(just what I need a Savior). That is when it hit me the answerer to my questions. I DON'T DO IT I CAN'T DO IT. But God (love those words) he knew that I couldn't but he had already given me what I need, I just had to pull from it. It is the force with me that does it. When he died he told us John 14:16 "And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever." The force with me the HOLY SPIRIT will lead my life back to what he thinks is normal, he will bear the pain and take turn the tear into tears of JOY. He will suppy the forgiveness that I need to give and the forgiveness I need to heal.
Last night I let that force take over and do what I can't do. I let my Savior's love start the healing. Last night I just said here Lord you take it, you have wanted it all along, I just had to give it. That is what is so amazing about GOD'S love with each hammer of the nail he had already suffered my pain, with each drop of his precious blood he had already covered by hurt. And just as he rose victorious I too will rise, because in my weakness God shows his strength, through the HOLY SPIRIT.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Change of Plans

This weekend the big girls weekend away.

Thursday evening pack - Thursday night one of our youth had a bad wreck and was killed. Spend the next few hours on phone with D and M trying to find out what happen. Online with a youth they are starting to find out the news, hearts are breaking questions are flying. Around 11:30pm meet up with a group of about 25 older youth and parents just to be together remembering, praying and drawing strength from God and each other. Get home around 2:30 don't rest good wake crying.
Friday packed bag still sitting there - Go to work have to see L need to talk and request prayer. Leave work to go be with D praying help us LORD Satan working on feeling that are already on edge. Spend the day with D, E and O. D was making plans on what we needed to do for the youth that night. Phones ringing sometimes 3 phones at once. To take a break away from it all meet up with M and A for lunch at Chick-fil-A. Witness GOD work in a great and mighty way. That night we meet a large group of youth and parents just to be together another time of sharing memories, praying and drawing strength from GOD and each other. Get home around 10:30 to find my 10 year old nephew there to spend the night. We were up until 1am watching the Polar Express, normally J sleeps with me, but this time he said I think I will sleep in the other room by myself. Any other time I would have jump for joy to hear him say that but that night I was kind of looking ward to him sleeping with me, just to love on him they grow up so fast. I tried to talk him into sleep there, but it didn't work. Finally got to sleep wake crying.
Saturday packed bag still there - up and just spend the morning praying and seeking God. I ask God what was this thing waking up crying, I don't remember dreaming and I wasn't crying went I when to sleep. God in his tender way reminded me. When I am hurting and need a place to go to that I know I am loved and safe, I image myself crawling up on my Saviors lap and he just holds me and lets me cry, so that is why I wake crying its because GOD has taken me to my safe place.
Afternoon my great niece who is 4 comes to spent the night, so I take her and J to the Christmas parade and out to Bob Evans for supper that is J favorite place to eat. Starting writing this post and L is laying her and we are watching guess what the Polar Express. She is so excited she keeps saying look it's Santa, just what I need to spend time watching the delight of little face.
Sunday packed bag still there - By the strength of GOD we got through this day. Church was hard. I sit by myself a lot and that does bother me, but today was different just needed to sit with someone. My friend H let me sit with her and we just hugged and told each other that we love the other. The receiving for C is today.
Monday packed bag still there - Today is the funeral and the church was full. Preacher spoke and so did C's basketball coach, M, D, E all spoke. It was a wonderful time of remembering we cry ed and laughed. What a wonderful celebration of life I am sure that C was pleased. E got roses for the youth and others to have, they could keep them or give them to C everyone gave them to C.
Tuesday packed bag still there - Trying to get back into regular routine is hard. Got word today that the Lord took our precious angel Suzi home today, here celebration on life will be on Saturday.
These last couple of months have been months of pain and heartaches. Seems like none of the hurts are healing. Just so need God.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Who Do You Say That I AM?

I just started a new book by Max Lucado "Next Door Savior", because I am going through some stuff that I don't understand and yesterday I realize that was what I needed right now is a Savior. I have had the book for over a year and just not taken the time to read it, but really God knew when I would need it and that is now.

The first thing the book says is "Who Do You Say That I Am"? When I read that it just broke my heart because even in my quiet time, in Bible Studies and seeking GOD in this season in my life I never really thought about who GOD is to me right now. I think, no I know that somewhere I had lost sight of who GOD IS TO ME.

So who do I say GOD is?

The love of my life, the lover of my soul, my redeemer kinsman, the one who never leaves me, the one who takes my broken heart in his very own hands and ever so gentle puts the pieces back together seals it with a kiss (a kiss heals everything) and then puts it back and tells me that we will go on together, the one who takes every tear I cry and bottles them so that I know how much he loves me. the one who says I will never forget you I have your name engraved in the palm of my hand, the one who tells me I love you as if you where the only person I created. He is the one that forgives me when I sin and then cast those sins as far as the east from the west never to be remember again. God is the one who reaches down his hand and picks me up when I feel like I can not go on another day and says today I will carry just rest in my arms. He is the GOD that is the peace in the storms of life. He's the potter that is molding me into what he wants me to be. He's the one who blesses me with every good thing he has. Most of all HE IS MY SAVIOR the one who came seeking this sinner, saved me and gave me eternal life. He is the one who stretched out his arms and said I am dying for you because I love you that much!!!!!!!!!

Thank you my Savior that you sometimes you break my heart to show me who you are. That you take the time to be concerned about what is happening in every area of my life. Thank you that you remind me who you are. Thank you that you are the Savior who is ALL MINE.
Thank you that you are near enough to touch. Strong enough to trust, and always a next door Savior.